Unproductivity
I just need to vent for a moment but it’s probably something that needs to be talked about… I don’t feel productive… at all…
There are times when I’ll be going crazy wanting to get things done and looking for things to do to whilst trying to ignore the futility of existence, and thankfully TAFE has given me a lens to focus this manic energy and be creative and get stuff done. The flip side of this coin in suffering from burn out after over extending yourself and I’ve kind of been good at managing this more or less, however I was feeling this a little as I was getting towards the end of this year and was looking forward to some downtime after finishing everything, hell I was really looking forward to getting through my degree and feeling accomplished. This isn’t going to happen.
Having this ‘rest’ forced upon me has come at both simultaneously at the best and worst time; best because I was able to do things that wouldn’t necessitate failing out, and worst because the longer this healing takes the more likely I’m going to fail the entire course because I’m missing out on everything…. and I don’t feel productive.
I’ve had creative blocks before, writing sometimes is hard and there are plenty of times where I’ve stared at a cursor, but I’ve never been so bad that I’ve absolutely avoided loading up Word. There are things I should be getting on with but I just can’t bring myself to do them, because ultimately it feels like I’m going to fail out anyway so why bother. The worst thing is if I do fail, I don’t think I have the mental energy to go back next year to try again.
I don’t like this. I don’t like not being able to do things. The worst thing is I absolutely have a valid excuse, I need to rest and I can’t leave the house in my current state. I hate this and worst I can’t do anything about it. I can’t go out for a drive, I can’t talk a walk around the block, I can’t go and watch a movie, or grab a bite to eat, or visit a friend and have a chat, or seemingly anything that might be good for my mental health. I’m over it.
S
