Scars

When I first came up with the concept for my Skulls entry I was talking to a colleague about it and the notion that I would shoot myself undressed made me uncomfortable, they asked why I don’t just hire a model? My response was, “Because I would never shoot another person like this.”

Honesty feels an integral part of my photography work, this body of work being absolutely brutal about it, and that’s not to say I’ve ever been the most honest person in my life. In fact there are times I’ve been a flat out liar, if only to protect myself, which is many ways the irony of my life as most of my photos are constructed in some form or another. This being said this work is the most honest and open I’ve possibly ever been about myself and it felt appropriate to call the work ‘Scars’.

Not all damage is external, not all damage is internal either, and I’m a reflection of an entire life of both. I needed this work to be ugly, unnerving, confrontation, and (hopefully) thought provoking. I wanted the work to be a big “Fuck you” to an industry I despise at time, begrudingly respect at others, but ultimately wish would disappear. I wanted to burn a bridge and walk away with two middle fingers up in the air in triumph, and yet I can’t help but want to win this fucking competition so at least I know I’ve been heard.

And yet I still struggle to show people this work, to not show this side of me, because it is ultimately me being vulnerable and exposed (quite literally) and I’m terrified to the response. Are the pleasantries forced because they’re being nice? am I just exposing myself to ridicule like I’ve had my entire life but worse now? is my work just end up on the reject heap because there is no chance in hell an industry bent on producing and exploiting people that look like me are ever going to self reflective enough to actually change? or worse, that people are always going to see me as the disgusting blob that I look at every time I walk past a mirror.

Scars feels right because it’s the ugly results of a wound and how we treat them. I’m not an untarnished person inside or out. I struggle everyday and I still get up and try. I strive to make everyone’s life better than I feel. I fail a lot. A lifetime of scars internal and external, often hidden but always there.

S

Scars 2022